Trust: A Crucial Element for Building Relationships

Think of someone you trust ..... What are you willing to entrust to them that you consider valuable? Why do you trust them with this? What do the people you work with entrust to you?  Why do you think they trust you? These may feel like tough questions. Most of the time we don't reflect deeply upon what trust is, what it means, and why it is important when building any relationship — whether in business, community, or in our own personal lives. Trust is critical to any healthy relationship, but most of us understand it more as an abstract feeling and don't think about what it means. What is trust — really? Why is it important? What is required to build it? Above all, what does trust give us and allow us to achieve, especially when it comes to creating a more just, equitable, and liberated world?

What Do We Mean When We Say Trust?

By definition, trust is an: "Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something." "One in which confidence is placed.” Like all definitions this gives us a good start, but does not go far enough. Let’s consider this example to help us break it down.

"I trust you to respect my privacy." When we say this we mean:

• I know that you care about me and understand why I would like to keep certain things private

• I know that you are capable of honoring my request and not sharing my private information without my permission

Trust is often positioned as being entirely about intent, but ability and capability are an important part of it too. On the most basic level, when we trust someone, we believe wholeheartedly in both their desire and their capacity to back their intentions with action, to do what they say they will do, and to take care of the relationship.  Trust is embodied care in relationship to others. It is built and sustained through actions that demonstrate care, safety, honesty, and integrity. 

When we trust another person, we are inherently putting ourselves at risk. Charles Feltman defines trust as, “Choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions.” Risk can mean different things for different people and situations. We risk being hurt, being harmed, losing something, humiliation, among many other things. Trust essentially puts one’s vulnerability in the hands of another. This shared vulnerability is essential to the growth and deepening of any relationship, but is another reason why trust can feel difficult to cultivate and even more difficult to give. And, once trust is broken, it can feel almost impossible to get back. Trust is simultaneously the backbone of relationships, yet fragile and easily lost.

What Does Trust Look Like in a Relationship?

Cultural critic bell hooks lists six ingredients of love. They are care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. This implies that you can't have love without trust.

Love in this sense does not mean romantic love, but the overall concern for another person or persons that allows you to support them fully. Trust is vital in any relationship, but what does it look like?

Trust starts with one simple thing: Doing what you say you will do and expecting the same of others. If that sounds a lot like accountability, that's because accountability and trust are very much intertwined. The difference is that accountability is external, a check on whether somebody can be trusted. Trust is internal — a felt understanding experienced in the body. As you build trust, you can empower people by not needing as much external accountability. As you develop a reputation for doing what you say you are going to do, or giving a very good reason why you can't do it at that time, people will become more likely to turn to you. This goes for all relationships, whether they are between a contractor and clients, a parent and child, two people considering marriage, or an organization and the communities that they serve. If you can't do it, then you need to be honest. Sometimes trust is about saying no, particularly if it is values aligned and based in integrity.

Here are some other aspects of trust in any relationship. We encourage you to think about the ways these can show up in your work as you reflect on the role of trust in building equitable relationships with communities.

1. Confidentiality. If something is shared with you in confidence, then you should not reveal it. Are there exceptions? Yes, of course, but sharing someone’s private information should not be done lightly, only for example, if that person is in danger. Even in such situations, there are ways of doing so that are still grounded in integrity and honesty. This also applies to telling others’ stories in the context of work. Even if the story has the ability to be instructive or inspiring to others, it’s important to honor that others’ stories are not ours to tell, and it can feel like a huge violation of trust to share the story beyond the intimate space where it was originally told. Transparency over the use of others’ stories, why you’d like to share it, consent to share it, and conditions under which it should be shared are important conversations to have that honor and continue to build trust.

2. Empowering others. Trust often means relinquishing control and allowing others the opportunity to try something, even if it feels like risky new ground — and even if you are not completely convinced that they will succeed. If you never let anyone do anything or expect them to always follow your guidance, then not only are you not trusting them, but you are giving them no reason to trust you. Sometimes to get trust, we need to give it first. Believing in another’s strengths rather than assuming they are showing up in a state of deficit can support that felt sense of safety that builds bonds and bridges towards trust.

3. Having protocols. This ties into doing what you said you would do. Protocols and relationship agreements make what you said you would do clearer and more actionable. You might say that very close relationships such as marriages don't need them, but the truth is that all marriages have protocols. Protocols make relationships smoother by defining what each person is trusted to do.

4. Listening. Listening is a key aspect of trust. You can't trust somebody without knowing them and you can't know them without listening to them. "Active listening" takes this a step further by ensuring that people feel free to speak. Of course, this ties back into confidentiality, so people trust you enough to speak freely. You might think listening comes naturally to all of us, but being trained in effective listening increases trust on all sides. Our Partner Power tool provides a structured framework for how to listen to others in a way that can build trust and deepen a relationship with a community.

5. Showing compassion. This means listening to understand their needs, helping when you can, and giving moral support and understanding when you cannot. It also means understanding that the things which impact others may appear trivial to you but that you still wholeheartedly treat them as valuable and important.

6. Having clear and honest boundaries and expectations of both yourself and others. Ironically, a key aspect of trust is saying "No." If you can't trust somebody not to let a no affect your relationship, then there is a deep problem and, in fact, in close relationships this is a red flag for abuse. It’s important to keep this in mind even in roles as professionals in civic and cultural spaces. While you may have an intention to do great things with a community you want to grow closer to, they still have the ability and the right to maintain boundaries and space and to say no until there is a felt sense of safety and trust in the relationship. The ability to say no is often impacted by power dynamics, with the person who has less power also having less agency to say no. Shifting power to honor and support another person’s right to say no is a huge step towards trust and ultimately healthier and more equitable relationship dynamics. 

7. Being consistent. This goes past doing what you say you will do, and to being consistent in your views. When your views change, be ready to explain how they change. If somebody is not just inconsistent but tries to say they never held the previous view, this is an abusive technique called "gaslighting." Consistency requires being accountable to past beliefs and actions, being transparent about new ways you want to show up to the relationship, saying what you mean and doing what you say, rather than saying what you think people want to hear. People-pleasing is not an effective or just way of building trust.

What are some other aspects of trust that you can think of beyond this list?

Why is Trust Important?

Trust needs to go every direction in a relationship. Let's take a mentor/mentee relationship. On the surface, it may appear that the mentor has "power" over the mentee, but in striving for more liberated and equitable relationships, making the intention to share power is crucial. In this relationship, the mentee trusts the mentor to be there for them, to provide accurate and up-to-date information, and to help them develop the tools to succeed in whatever endeavor(s) they are striving toward. But the mentor has to also trust that the mentee also has knowledge, strengths, contributions to offer, all of which also supports and builds up the mentor. In fact, in a good mentor/mentee relationship, the mentor learns things from the mentee, if only through the process of teaching. This example shows that trust has to go both up and down in a perceived hierarchy, as well as sideways in relationships where power dynamics are more equal. Keep in mind that power dynamics can be shifted based on a lot of different factors besides job role hierarchy — including race, gender, class, and other identity markers.

Community building makes this particularly important because it is easy for it to turn into a hierarchy of "We are going to teach you this," which is far too reminiscent of the “colonial missionary approach,” and can activate savior dynamics, which can be very problematic and lead to perpetuating patronizing interactions — and even lead to micro-aggressions when race, gender, and other identity factors are present. Instead, shift toward asking, "What can we learn from each other?" Top-down programs are often less successful, and tend to end with, for example, people teaching somebody else's history (usually inaccurately), even when the group it happened to is present and capable of telling their own story.

Trust also makes us more vulnerable. If you don't trust somebody in the first place, then they can't hurt you by betraying that trust.  Some people see vulnerability as a weakness. However, vulnerability is actually a strength, especially when shared. When building a community, being willing to be vulnerable gives others permission to be vulnerable, too. This is where deeper bonds can begin to develop. It’s important to note that once folks feel safe to be vulnerable, that sense of safety must be protected and tended to consistently, requiring greater and greater levels of accountability to self and others. 

Lastly, trust tells the person you believe that they can do it. Back to that oft-forgotten "ability" part again. Trusting somebody to show up on time is a belief in their ability to do so. If you're a habitually punctual person you might think that's a little silly: Showing up on time is easy. If you are somebody for whom doing so is a battle, whether because you have three kids or simply have developed the habit of being late, then somebody trusting you to show up on time is, in fact, that person being your cheerleader. You can see how this applies even more to complex matters, such as trusting somebody to represent an organization or speak on behalf of a community group.

Trusting in somebody's ability increases the chance that they will in fact complete the task. Trusting your community partners thus empowers them to complete their tasks and to take initiative, and show up for themselves and others in powerful ways. When we make room for this level of trust, we discover that they (and we) are capable of co-creating things we never imagined were possible. What we end of creating becomes bigger than what we could have ever done alone.

What is Possible When Trust is Built?

Trust doesn't happen instantly. Like in any relationship, it takes time. In the Change Network, we encourage our members not to be too focused on completing the stages of the program within a certain time frame, but rather to “move at the speed of trust,” as adrienne maree brown says. This requires releasing whatever agenda you might have started out with and actually tuning into and connecting to the actual person in front of you. What are they really saying? What are their needs? What are their hopes? What’s really important to them? What’s their favorite meal? What makes them laugh? Everyone also has a default level to which they trust a new person, which is informed by their prior lived experiences. Everyone brings their past, present, and future with them to every table. Trust requires humanizing those we want to build it with, and making space for their whole selves to come to the table — and our whole selves too — while acknowledging that it’s up to them what parts of themselves they want to offer. The more we humanize others, the more trust we build, and the more we get to know the fuller versions of others and ourselves. All of this takes time and deep presence. You may also find that the more trust is built, the more easeful the relationship can feel, and the less effort it feels like it requires to maintain it. We remind our Change Network members of this — that the more time they invest, the more trust they can build, and ultimately, the work of being in relationship feels less like effort and more like a natural way of being.

We also encourage our members to measure their success not simply on tangible results, but on the strength of the relationship built. The stronger the relationship, the more reciprocal benefits we begin to see. All of this depends on your starting point. Some organizations work with communities where there’s an existing relationship, some level of trust, some mutual investment. Others work with communities of interest where the connections are sparse or trust is low, or even where there’s been trust broken or harms have occurred in the past.  

Even if you’re starting with a low level of trust, very few connections, or no prior investment, you can still be successful in getting members of a community to collaborate and co-create projects; like events, exhibits, or even podcasts. The night of the event, members of that community will come. Their friends will come. You’ll start to build trust with starting points for broader relationships. You might also start to get the attention of local funders based on the work you’re doing with your partners. This will bring you to at least a moderate level of trust, connections, and prior investment based on the past collaboration. From here, you can start building beyond single projects and towards building community. And you’ll see more members from your community of interest visiting/ attending programs/ exhibits they might find interesting - not just for “their” night or “their” program, but even those that may not center their community. 

At this point, your community will recognize that they are in a similar position as members of other, previously, more engaged communities. Their increased confidence and trust in your team may then encourage them to play a more active role in your organization. As a community feels seen and supported, they will more likely continue building and nurturing the partnership you’ve built. For example, we’ve seen organizations and communities co-create new programs together in their cities. Community members have taken on leadership roles, or new job pipelines created. We’ve seen communities of interest help organizations lobby for funding. We’ve seen Change Network members gain industry awards and civic acknowledgement. At that point, you’re likely to increase your funding potential and become a more competitive contender where grants fundraising is concerned. In the beginning, particularly if you are working to rebuild trust, gains can feel very small. But, remaining engaged, in 2-3 years time, the strides you’ll reach will be both exciting and rewarding. Read more stories about how Change Network members have cultivated trust over time and made amazing changes to their organizations toward greater equity in the process.

Sometimes building trust requires giving more than you think you are getting. For example, say you are dealing with communities with a history of betrayal, such as Black and indigenous communities in the United States, and you are white, then they will have issues trusting you… and rightfully so! Too many people come into these situations expecting to be instantly seen as better and more trustworthy. It’s important to recognize when we feel entitled to trust. You may feel like you never did anything directly to them; however, who you are, who you are perceived to be, and even the institution you represent can bring a lot of institutional trauma into a space. Simply being a person in a White body can trigger that in a Black or Brown person. This again is when tapping into compassion and humility is crucial, which enables us to really listen to what is coming up for another person, even if what is coming up is resistance, defensiveness, and reluctance to trust you. This is also another opportunity to do some inner work. If you are feeling entitled to another’s trust, consider what you may need to unlearn for yourself in order to shift the dynamics.

So, what else can happen when we allow ourselves to trust and build trust reciprocally?

• You can empower others and create liberating practices. Ultimately, a lack of empowerment is the result of a lack of trust. It's caused by systemic, internalized ideas that make the marginalized person somehow less worthy of trust. This is often informed by our own unconscious biases, and can be a way that things like anti-Blackness or misogyny can show up without even realizing it. This often strongly impacts disabled and neurodivergent communities and individuals, who are seen as not able to advocate for themselves. To offer one example, let’s imagine an orchestra invites a Latino conductor to collaborate with them on their upcoming concert, but they don't let him choose any of the songs for the event. Their unjustified reasoning could be that orchestral music was not historically played in Mexican history. In this fictitious but realistic example the orchestra does trust the conductor’s skills or knowledge of the genre but they might be missing out on his possible brilliance and creativity, and also may perpetuate and reinforce the perception that the orchestra is not “for” Latino people. This causes them to not show up (even with a Latino conductor), which then may reinforce an unconscious bias or assumption that Latino people are simply not interested in orchestral music, when that may not actually be true.

• You can increase the diversity of ideas. When people feel trusted, they come forward with their ideas and thoughts more readily. This means that you and your organization will see ideas they might otherwise have missed, strengthening the entire community. These unexpected ideas can sometimes be a remarkable source of progress. And there is so much more knowledge and research that has come out that shows us that diversity dramatically increases innovation.

• You can improve focus. By "moving at the speed of trust" you stop trying to do too much with your organization. Properly building trust gets you to slow down and focus on the community that needs you and that your team most wants to help. Breaking down barriers for that community helps others, but trying to help every community will leave you spread too thin and unable to do a good job for any of them. To understand this more, read our recent blog post “Relationship Building is Not a Linear Process,” which includes the concept of Targeted Universalism and how it shows up in our Change Network Curriculum.

• You can actually give people what they want. Ultimately, trust can help you create an environment that is more of, by, and for the communities you say you want to grow closer to. Top down programs often give a community what the organizers think they want, sometimes without even asking. This is, again, the "missionary" philosophy that has historically resulted in the construction of buildings nobody actually uses or programs nobody attends. By trusting people to be the best arbiters of their own needs, you can produce programs that are going to be used, appreciated, and strengthened over time. Placing trust front and center results, generally, in fewer but better programs and a stronger focus on what will really help the communities you intend to serve.

Organizations often have the best of intentions when it comes to their desire to build relationships with communities. But for a number of reasons, those relationships often quickly become superficial at best and transactional,  exploitative, or harmful at worst. When we don’t take the time to take care of relationships, we will always default to ways of being that perpetuate oppression and inequality, whether we mean to or not. Trust is the basis of that relational caretaking, and becomes the foundation for all other possibility in the relationship. Trust invites us to step into relationships with humility, honesty, and openness. It invites us to be accountable. It invites us to unlearn harmful ways of being and relearn liberating ways of being. It might seem trivial or simple, but uplifting trust, especially in civic and cultural spaces is a radical shift — a shift toward rebalancing power, reimagining our roles as civic and cultural spaces, and ultimately building the beautiful, revolutionary future we desire to co-create alongside our communities. It’s slow, challenging work, but also completely worth it.

It might feel daunting to prioritize building trust, especially when organizations are in fact facing a lot of challenges — from re-opening their buildings, to funding cuts, limited staff capacity, and so many other things. That’s also why leaning on a partner you can trust to offer best practices, support, coaching, and community can be an important way to take action on your goals while you figure out the messy process of building community relationships. The Change Network provides actionable tools and processes for building trust — both within your organization and team, and beyond its walls with the communities you want to grow closer to. You don’t have to figure this all out alone or reinvent the wheel. Our experienced coaches have built these kinds of equitable relationships for decades and can provide guidance to you along the way. Interested to learn more? Schedule a meeting to talk more about how the Change Network can support you to learn how to build these kinds of relationships and how to operationalize those processes within your organization.